2010 was a rough year. I let you know about it in my last post, but since then I've been in the hospital for menengitis, likely the result of too little self-care. In the effort to be super-woman, super-mom, super-engineer, decent-wife, super-self came last. An average of 4-5 hours of sleep just does not a healthy self make. And when I was throwing up into that toilet while my head pounded like the world's worst migraine, I thought to myself, "This sucks. This really sucks." How interesting it is that you don't appreciate your health until its gone. And our health, its probably the most important key to our happiness. It enables us to pursue those things we love, to give our best at work and in relationships. When I was in the hospital, I shared a room with a woman my mother's age. When she was first rolled in, a nurse stopped in to interview her on her health. I literally listened to them discuss each medication she took for almost an hour. I thought to myself, wow. That is terrible! How can one let themselves go so much they become that dependant on that many medications. But then I reflected. What was I doing there? I had neglected to listen to my body and it crashed. This ignorance is a very easy thing to fall victim to. In fact, I think most of us go through our daily lives ignorant to the damage we're doing because its become so normal, so apart of how we always feel. When she finished listing all the meds she took, I felt very grateful to not be in her position. But, I realized that I could be heading in that direction.
So this year I became determined, not to make some crazy resolution that I know I can't follow through with, but to commit myself to focusing on my health. I know all the things I want to do can't happen overnight...I mean, I am still a mom and need to take care of my kids. I am still in a somewhat high-stress, high-pressure job and need to continue to perform so that I can continue to give my kids the most opportunities I can. But I want to devote myself to eating better and be more consistent in taking my vitamins (I already do a good job drinking lots of water). I want to learn to meditate, to turn off that incessant thinking and take the time to reflect, breathe, and live. I want to work my muscles through yoga and cycling. To feel every muscle in my body and every pore open. I want to be more disciplined about going to bed when I feel tired. And I want to learn to say "No" when I feel my brain tiring, my neck tightening from the stress, and my limbs tripping clumsly over something. I can't do it all, no one can. And each time I say no, I put myself first so that I can make time to do the things that I need to do to stay healthy. Hopefully this will transform my 2011 to be healthier and happier than my 2010.
Anika Sjoquist
Sven Sjoquist
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Turning Over a New Leaf
Last time I wrote, it was the end of Week 5 with Sven. That very night, after I finished writing that entry, things got very difficult with Sven. He went about 3 or more weeks without sleeping (I lost track) much at night, which means I didn't sleep either. There were many nights where I was literally holding him, feedling him, changing him from 7pm at night until 7am. I think I went insane during that time. You can ask Scott. He will attest to this fact. Mentally I often thought that I was being tortured. I mean, "they" use sleep deprivation as a torture tool. I was a prisoner of war! I was weepy, complaining, negative, exhausted, unkempt, had major headaches and an aching back. And I allowed myself to dwell on these things. I think too, that I felt a little more distraught with Sven than I did with Anika because frankly, I just haven't been able to put myself first in years. And we had not planned to have Sven so soon. I felt a little robbed. I barely had time to recover from Anika before I was thrown back into the fray. Which brings me to why I'm writing today.
Today, for the first time in I don't know how long, I worked out. It wasn't a grand sort of effort, like the standard 3-hour bike rides I used to take with my more slender, fitter self. It was a huffing and puffing, red-in the face, damn I'm SO out of shape sort of effort. I won't kid you. It was hard for me. But if you had seen me out on the trail today, I would've looked like I was moving in slow motion. I was only out for 45 or so minutes, but physically it felt much longer. And I had some time to myself, to think. The last few years have been really hard for me. I went from being a very active, slender, somewhat attractive working woman who had loads of free time to watch movies, read books, go out for long walks and romantic dinners, travel and enjoy time with friends, to who I am today. Things began to change for me when we started trying to have kids and slowly the months ticked by and no pregnancy. I began to back off on my workouts thinking these were sabatoging our chances. Still no success. A year passed. Finally we went to my OB to get things checked out. We went through some insemination trials. We finally became pregnant only later to find out it was ectopic and I would be forced to miscarry. What a very sad time for me. Let me just say that miscarriage steals away the innocent joy in future pregnancies and at that time the hope and dream of children. More months passed, time to heal and time to wonder if it just wasn't in our future to have children. What a difficult thing to discover and mourn. I wasn't ready to give up quite yet, and continued pulling back on my workouts and devoting my whole mind, heart and energy into involving myself fully into the cause of becoming pregnant. I finally told Scott that we needed to take the next step in our fertility journey. I just could not handle further miscarriages and needed to invest in something that would have better odds. We gathered up our savings and decided to try IVF. Another very stressful time for me physically, mentally and mostly emotionally. I gave myself multiple injections a day and I HATE needles! That is how driven I was to make it happen. There was a very strict protocol to follow. A daily regimen of well-timed injections, ultrasounds, sore ovaries (imagine having your ovaries the size of oranges and how that might feel walking around let alone trying to jog), the procedure to remove the eggs and then came the day. Only one embryo survived to Transfer Day. We got to see that embryo under the microscope. We had no idea that would be our Anika. I had so much hope and anxiety when I looked at that embryo. Then was the transfer and then the worst part of the whole experience -- the 2WW, the 2-week wait. This is when there is nothing for you to do. Nothing daily to stay focused on except every weird twinge in your body that might indicate if the little embie took. I took no chances with my activity or choices (although it probably would've been fine)...I treated myself like a porcelian doll. As each second, then minute, then hours tick by I wondered...will it happen or will we have to go through this again? Will it ever happen? And then finally, we were so blessed with good news. I was pregnant. But of course, like I mentioned, there was no innocent joy for me. Just a whole other level of anxiety. I had bleeding issues early on, and then some serious nausea for about 3 months. I hate nausea. What an awful feeling, that for 3 months straight - morning, noon and night - to feel like you're about to hurl. After that time the nausea clouds slowly lifted. By that time my hips started to hurt, was getting less and less sleep at night, and I began to put on lots of water weight, had major swelling in my hands and feet. I could no longer wear my wedding ring. Towards the end of the pregnancy I got kidney stones and was in the hospital for a day or so. I was also slowly getting pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was getting worse and worse. At 39 weeks it was time to deliver. I guess a blood pressure of 160/130 is not healthy! ;-) Anika's delivery was as dreamy as deliveries get. Short and sweet. My contractions were painful but manageable until I got the epidural and then is was easy-breezy. I pushed for 10 minutes and it was over. Our miracle baby had arrived! So now we really were a family. What a happy moment.
My baby, breathing Anika posed a who new set of challenges for me. When she was 6 days old she got sick, stopped eating and had this scary green gunk coming out of her eyes like is was some horror movie. We rushed her to Children's Hospital where we spent the next 3 days. I watched my precious baby girl get a spinal, bloodwork, an IV and numerous other pricks. She was so little and I was so scared that she wasn't eating. We spent some sleepless days and nights fretting over her well-being while trying to learn how to nurse (wow - what a HUGE challenge that was), get my milk to come in, meeting with tons of nurses, lactation consultants, the works! It ended up probably just being some sort of systemic virus and blocked tear ducts - but what a rough way to start out as new parents. Then we brought her home and had the standard insanity of sleepless night, colicky crying which got worse as the weeks progressed. We later learned she had acid reflux and after 10 weeks we were starting to get the crying and her pain hopefully to be more manageable. As she grew she finally started sleeping longer at night (YES!). As the holidays approached though, so did the flu season and man was she sick ALL the time! She had tons of ear infections (maybe 10 or more by her first birthday) and was up crying in the middle of the night often. She had Croup where her cough sounded like a seal. She has RSV - that was wicked. The doctors at her clinic now know us on a first name basis. As the craziness of Christmas died down, I realized that I didn't feel very well myself. But it didn't feel like I was sick. It was a nagging, all day, all over gross kind of feeling. And suddently it occurred to me. No way, I told myself. It could not be. I still had some leftover tests and almost passed out. Pregnant. I approached Scott on the sofa, watching TV. "You're going to want to turn that off." He looked at me. I'm sure I looked like I had seen a ghost. I know I was shaking. "I'm pregnant." I don't think he knew what to say. There was a nervous sort of feeling I had. Of course, i was happy, but I just hadn't expected it to happen so soon especially after all the troubles we had with Anika. And I definitely didn't feel ready for another baby. I mean, Anika was not yet 6 months old! This was going to affect the year I had planned for myself. I had planned to whip myself back into some semblance of fitness, get back in contact with friends, and really just get a back a bit of my life. And now, I was back in it. We had to think about finances, space, work, furniture -- so many things. I also worried throughout this pregnancy and didn't allow myself to believe it was real until Sven was out and breathing. Luckily I didn't have the same pregnancy challenges I had with Anika. I had a little bit of nausea, but nowhere near what I had before. I did have some severe sciatic pain at the end, but that was basically it. Baby Anika proved to be plenty challenge for a large pregnant me to take care of without those other things! I was due mid-August and finally in July Anika had surgery and got tubes (we have not had an ear infections since - thank goodness!).
So that brings me back to Sven and the marathon I have been in for the past few years with myself. When he was born I was thrilled of course to meet my son and was really in love. I think I allowed myself to enjoy him more in the first week than with Anika. I was a seasoned veteran. Things would have to go better this time. But I was also exhausted, worn out. I hadn't had time to re-charge myself in YEARS. Each day, each month, there was a new tribulation, and new battle to work through. I suppose I should have known that kids would be hard. But I really didn't. How could I? Without going through it myself, it was impossible to fully understand the experience that goes with the words I hear my other mommy friends saying. And who's going to complain? Who's going to complain about an innocent baby? Plus, no one likes complainers. But it is hard. Really hard. And it gets even harder when you don't have an easy baby. So when I began to go through my sleepless days and nights, nonstop crying, sore boobs - more generally, more baby trials and tribulations, I felt down...negative. And I couldn't stop the freefall. Even before Sven was born my attitude had shifted for the critical worse. At work, I knew I was turning people off with my attitude. At home, I had the help from family but could not say 'thank you.' I just felt perpetually angry and wronged. My self confidence also waned. I had put on many extra pounds and the worse I felt, the more I ate (doesn't help that I was pregnant and constantly hungry either). I was frustrated and felt imprisoned. Scott had responsibilities to spend the summer fixing up our rental property, so that left me to man Anika. I had no time for myself even then.
Monday was my first day back at work and while it was a difficult day leaving Sven and Anika at daycare (yes, I did shed a few tears...what loving mom wouldn't), I felt slightly liberated. A sliver of light filtered into my life. I was regaining a bit of independance, even if it meant I had to work. I would have the opportunity to go out for lunch, or at a minimum, just eat something other than granola bars. I'd had a shower, nice clothes on, was able to visit with friends I hadn't seen in months, and most importantly, I had time to myself. Maybe not the hours I used to have, but a few minutes each day to take a quiet moment to breathe. And today, I decided to put myself first, and went outside for a jog. I remember thinking before I got outside, that maybe I should've brought my iPod as this could turn out to be a really boring jog. But it wasn't. So many thoughts flooded my mind. I thought about everything I already wrote about and more. I conceded to myself that I needed to be slightly more relaxed and open-minded at work. There are many ways to solve a problem. My job wasn't to force people to solve them my way, but to ensure the end goal was met, via any path. I realized that each day of my life was a priviledge to live. I thought about Scott's brother Matt, who recently was in a very tragic and life-altering car accident. His neck has been broken, he will likely be a quadrapelegic and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. This outcome is so unfair. Matt so undeserving. I think about him often and about what I would do in his place. It makes me feel like I have no excuses, for he would give anything to use his legs, walk down the hall, and feed Sven in the middle of the night. He would give ANYTHING to be able to work again. All of the things I take for granted. And though my body hurt, and I felt self-concious as hell, I went for it. Like I said, it wasn't an olympic effort, but I pushed myself because I wouldn't have done my jog justice if I hadn't really tried. And when I finished, I hadn't transformed my body (that will take hundreds more workouts to do) but I felt as if I had transformed my mind and heart. I realize that it will take time to attempt to maintain this new outlook and that I'll have set-backs. But I have decided to give myself a break. I've had a tough few years. In time, my body will come back, my independance will continue to evolve and hopefully my relationships will improve. And at the end of it, I will have two beautiful little people that I love dearly, and I know, when the fog has totally cleared, my mind will come to a consensus that it was all worth it.
Today, for the first time in I don't know how long, I worked out. It wasn't a grand sort of effort, like the standard 3-hour bike rides I used to take with my more slender, fitter self. It was a huffing and puffing, red-in the face, damn I'm SO out of shape sort of effort. I won't kid you. It was hard for me. But if you had seen me out on the trail today, I would've looked like I was moving in slow motion. I was only out for 45 or so minutes, but physically it felt much longer. And I had some time to myself, to think. The last few years have been really hard for me. I went from being a very active, slender, somewhat attractive working woman who had loads of free time to watch movies, read books, go out for long walks and romantic dinners, travel and enjoy time with friends, to who I am today. Things began to change for me when we started trying to have kids and slowly the months ticked by and no pregnancy. I began to back off on my workouts thinking these were sabatoging our chances. Still no success. A year passed. Finally we went to my OB to get things checked out. We went through some insemination trials. We finally became pregnant only later to find out it was ectopic and I would be forced to miscarry. What a very sad time for me. Let me just say that miscarriage steals away the innocent joy in future pregnancies and at that time the hope and dream of children. More months passed, time to heal and time to wonder if it just wasn't in our future to have children. What a difficult thing to discover and mourn. I wasn't ready to give up quite yet, and continued pulling back on my workouts and devoting my whole mind, heart and energy into involving myself fully into the cause of becoming pregnant. I finally told Scott that we needed to take the next step in our fertility journey. I just could not handle further miscarriages and needed to invest in something that would have better odds. We gathered up our savings and decided to try IVF. Another very stressful time for me physically, mentally and mostly emotionally. I gave myself multiple injections a day and I HATE needles! That is how driven I was to make it happen. There was a very strict protocol to follow. A daily regimen of well-timed injections, ultrasounds, sore ovaries (imagine having your ovaries the size of oranges and how that might feel walking around let alone trying to jog), the procedure to remove the eggs and then came the day. Only one embryo survived to Transfer Day. We got to see that embryo under the microscope. We had no idea that would be our Anika. I had so much hope and anxiety when I looked at that embryo. Then was the transfer and then the worst part of the whole experience -- the 2WW, the 2-week wait. This is when there is nothing for you to do. Nothing daily to stay focused on except every weird twinge in your body that might indicate if the little embie took. I took no chances with my activity or choices (although it probably would've been fine)...I treated myself like a porcelian doll. As each second, then minute, then hours tick by I wondered...will it happen or will we have to go through this again? Will it ever happen? And then finally, we were so blessed with good news. I was pregnant. But of course, like I mentioned, there was no innocent joy for me. Just a whole other level of anxiety. I had bleeding issues early on, and then some serious nausea for about 3 months. I hate nausea. What an awful feeling, that for 3 months straight - morning, noon and night - to feel like you're about to hurl. After that time the nausea clouds slowly lifted. By that time my hips started to hurt, was getting less and less sleep at night, and I began to put on lots of water weight, had major swelling in my hands and feet. I could no longer wear my wedding ring. Towards the end of the pregnancy I got kidney stones and was in the hospital for a day or so. I was also slowly getting pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was getting worse and worse. At 39 weeks it was time to deliver. I guess a blood pressure of 160/130 is not healthy! ;-) Anika's delivery was as dreamy as deliveries get. Short and sweet. My contractions were painful but manageable until I got the epidural and then is was easy-breezy. I pushed for 10 minutes and it was over. Our miracle baby had arrived! So now we really were a family. What a happy moment.
My baby, breathing Anika posed a who new set of challenges for me. When she was 6 days old she got sick, stopped eating and had this scary green gunk coming out of her eyes like is was some horror movie. We rushed her to Children's Hospital where we spent the next 3 days. I watched my precious baby girl get a spinal, bloodwork, an IV and numerous other pricks. She was so little and I was so scared that she wasn't eating. We spent some sleepless days and nights fretting over her well-being while trying to learn how to nurse (wow - what a HUGE challenge that was), get my milk to come in, meeting with tons of nurses, lactation consultants, the works! It ended up probably just being some sort of systemic virus and blocked tear ducts - but what a rough way to start out as new parents. Then we brought her home and had the standard insanity of sleepless night, colicky crying which got worse as the weeks progressed. We later learned she had acid reflux and after 10 weeks we were starting to get the crying and her pain hopefully to be more manageable. As she grew she finally started sleeping longer at night (YES!). As the holidays approached though, so did the flu season and man was she sick ALL the time! She had tons of ear infections (maybe 10 or more by her first birthday) and was up crying in the middle of the night often. She had Croup where her cough sounded like a seal. She has RSV - that was wicked. The doctors at her clinic now know us on a first name basis. As the craziness of Christmas died down, I realized that I didn't feel very well myself. But it didn't feel like I was sick. It was a nagging, all day, all over gross kind of feeling. And suddently it occurred to me. No way, I told myself. It could not be. I still had some leftover tests and almost passed out. Pregnant. I approached Scott on the sofa, watching TV. "You're going to want to turn that off." He looked at me. I'm sure I looked like I had seen a ghost. I know I was shaking. "I'm pregnant." I don't think he knew what to say. There was a nervous sort of feeling I had. Of course, i was happy, but I just hadn't expected it to happen so soon especially after all the troubles we had with Anika. And I definitely didn't feel ready for another baby. I mean, Anika was not yet 6 months old! This was going to affect the year I had planned for myself. I had planned to whip myself back into some semblance of fitness, get back in contact with friends, and really just get a back a bit of my life. And now, I was back in it. We had to think about finances, space, work, furniture -- so many things. I also worried throughout this pregnancy and didn't allow myself to believe it was real until Sven was out and breathing. Luckily I didn't have the same pregnancy challenges I had with Anika. I had a little bit of nausea, but nowhere near what I had before. I did have some severe sciatic pain at the end, but that was basically it. Baby Anika proved to be plenty challenge for a large pregnant me to take care of without those other things! I was due mid-August and finally in July Anika had surgery and got tubes (we have not had an ear infections since - thank goodness!).
So that brings me back to Sven and the marathon I have been in for the past few years with myself. When he was born I was thrilled of course to meet my son and was really in love. I think I allowed myself to enjoy him more in the first week than with Anika. I was a seasoned veteran. Things would have to go better this time. But I was also exhausted, worn out. I hadn't had time to re-charge myself in YEARS. Each day, each month, there was a new tribulation, and new battle to work through. I suppose I should have known that kids would be hard. But I really didn't. How could I? Without going through it myself, it was impossible to fully understand the experience that goes with the words I hear my other mommy friends saying. And who's going to complain? Who's going to complain about an innocent baby? Plus, no one likes complainers. But it is hard. Really hard. And it gets even harder when you don't have an easy baby. So when I began to go through my sleepless days and nights, nonstop crying, sore boobs - more generally, more baby trials and tribulations, I felt down...negative. And I couldn't stop the freefall. Even before Sven was born my attitude had shifted for the critical worse. At work, I knew I was turning people off with my attitude. At home, I had the help from family but could not say 'thank you.' I just felt perpetually angry and wronged. My self confidence also waned. I had put on many extra pounds and the worse I felt, the more I ate (doesn't help that I was pregnant and constantly hungry either). I was frustrated and felt imprisoned. Scott had responsibilities to spend the summer fixing up our rental property, so that left me to man Anika. I had no time for myself even then.
Monday was my first day back at work and while it was a difficult day leaving Sven and Anika at daycare (yes, I did shed a few tears...what loving mom wouldn't), I felt slightly liberated. A sliver of light filtered into my life. I was regaining a bit of independance, even if it meant I had to work. I would have the opportunity to go out for lunch, or at a minimum, just eat something other than granola bars. I'd had a shower, nice clothes on, was able to visit with friends I hadn't seen in months, and most importantly, I had time to myself. Maybe not the hours I used to have, but a few minutes each day to take a quiet moment to breathe. And today, I decided to put myself first, and went outside for a jog. I remember thinking before I got outside, that maybe I should've brought my iPod as this could turn out to be a really boring jog. But it wasn't. So many thoughts flooded my mind. I thought about everything I already wrote about and more. I conceded to myself that I needed to be slightly more relaxed and open-minded at work. There are many ways to solve a problem. My job wasn't to force people to solve them my way, but to ensure the end goal was met, via any path. I realized that each day of my life was a priviledge to live. I thought about Scott's brother Matt, who recently was in a very tragic and life-altering car accident. His neck has been broken, he will likely be a quadrapelegic and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. This outcome is so unfair. Matt so undeserving. I think about him often and about what I would do in his place. It makes me feel like I have no excuses, for he would give anything to use his legs, walk down the hall, and feed Sven in the middle of the night. He would give ANYTHING to be able to work again. All of the things I take for granted. And though my body hurt, and I felt self-concious as hell, I went for it. Like I said, it wasn't an olympic effort, but I pushed myself because I wouldn't have done my jog justice if I hadn't really tried. And when I finished, I hadn't transformed my body (that will take hundreds more workouts to do) but I felt as if I had transformed my mind and heart. I realize that it will take time to attempt to maintain this new outlook and that I'll have set-backs. But I have decided to give myself a break. I've had a tough few years. In time, my body will come back, my independance will continue to evolve and hopefully my relationships will improve. And at the end of it, I will have two beautiful little people that I love dearly, and I know, when the fog has totally cleared, my mind will come to a consensus that it was all worth it.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Newborn Summary – Week 5
This is a newborn summary for Sven ages 4-5 weeks old.
NURSING
Nursing has been going fairly well for me with Sven. Mary, the nurse at Fairview Southdale showed me a trick early on to keep Sven “at the table” and not snacking. It was to push this area near his collarbone/shoulder that would make him eat. I’ve asked everyone I know after if they’ve ever heard of this. No one has. But it worked like a charm and I never had to fight with him sleeping during feeds after we learned that! Getting Anika to eat was a nightmarish struggle so this made things SO much easier. I have a good milk supply this time and generally find myself pumping once a day in the morning. Usually by the morning, I’m so full that Sven will only feed from one side. Well, this starts us down a bad path of him only eating from each side every 6 hours, which would really slow down my supply. So I pump everything off after his early morning feed and then I’m good to go for the day. I think this also has helped us sail through some growth spurts. I am always ahead of the game, so if he needs more, there’s more to be had.
SLEEPING
No breakthroughs here. Sven is still eating about every 3 hours (from start to start). I’m “letting him sleep” at night but generally he still gets up twice at night although there have been two 6 hr sleep stretches at night. I’m chalking this up to his having been up for the 4+ hrs before that crying. I think he has reflux and is maybe just a hard baby to calm. So he was tough to get down. Also, it seems my only sleep success happens in the swing. I’ve given up my strict ideas that I had with Anika that he must take every nap in his crib at this point. My thought is that in the newborn stage, sleep is better than overtired. I’d guess about half his sleep happens in the swing. Is this safe? I’m not sure. I hope so. I hope I’m not doing long-term sleep damage. I’m hoping he’ll start growing out of the fussiness, reflux, newborn baby stuff and begin to be able to sleep in his crib more. Also, I’m a firm believer in swaddling, but he hates it! He cries when I start to swaddle him and seems so uncomfortable. I can’t wait until 3 months when I don’t have to do it anymore.
BOTTLES
So we started introducing a bottle last week. Anika rejected bottles because we waited too long to introduce them. It seems to be going ok. We need to be more diligent about trying it once a day. He has been close to rejecting it already a couple times.
BURPING
I only mention this here because I’ve finally been able to get more predictable burps out of Sven. After a feeding, I sit him up, give him gas drops and then sit there for about a minute. Then I usually weigh him, and what’s important here is that I’m laying him down for a few seconds. Then I pick him up under his arms, letting his body hang below him and then prop him up on my shoulder. I bounce, pat his back and usually get a burp. This sometimes results in hiccups…but at least I’m getting some air out! I had hoped this would help me get him to sleep and stay asleep but it doesn’t seem so yet.
WAKETIME
I’ve found that in the afternoons Sven can handle being awake a little longer. Usually I’m trying to wind him down pretty soon after his diaper change/feeding (30-40 minutes after waking) but now that he is showing us his smiles (yay!), it seems like he wants to be a little more social. So I am watchful for his sleepy signs…he usually yawns and then get him right to bed (which means I’m usually spending the next hour trying to get him to sleep).
EMOTIONS
I’m still struggling on this front a little. The weepiness, hormonal stuff feels mostly gone, but I have been really negative. I really am not a fan of the “newborn” phase of a babies life. They’re unpredictable and don’t allow me much sleep. I need these two things in my life. Sleep and predictability. So I’m working on the negative vibes. My husband has been a lifesaver here. He’s been patient and does his best to talk me through it. This too shall pass.
So that’s it. I’m actually manning the monitor now. He woke up after 20-30 minutes of laying him down for bed at 10:15pm. (I knew this would happen which is how I had time to write all this) I actually waited to make sure he was really crying before going in to get him. I didn’t want to wake him up if he was sleep-crying. I held him for a few minutes, tried to quiet him which didn’t work and thought, ‘well, I’ll try the swing.’ This time though it doesn’t seem to be working. Its been 15 minutes, he still has his eyes open and is whining. So its now 11:21pm. I may have to go in and intervene. This could be another long night. I can’t wait until things get easier!
NURSING
Nursing has been going fairly well for me with Sven. Mary, the nurse at Fairview Southdale showed me a trick early on to keep Sven “at the table” and not snacking. It was to push this area near his collarbone/shoulder that would make him eat. I’ve asked everyone I know after if they’ve ever heard of this. No one has. But it worked like a charm and I never had to fight with him sleeping during feeds after we learned that! Getting Anika to eat was a nightmarish struggle so this made things SO much easier. I have a good milk supply this time and generally find myself pumping once a day in the morning. Usually by the morning, I’m so full that Sven will only feed from one side. Well, this starts us down a bad path of him only eating from each side every 6 hours, which would really slow down my supply. So I pump everything off after his early morning feed and then I’m good to go for the day. I think this also has helped us sail through some growth spurts. I am always ahead of the game, so if he needs more, there’s more to be had.
SLEEPING
No breakthroughs here. Sven is still eating about every 3 hours (from start to start). I’m “letting him sleep” at night but generally he still gets up twice at night although there have been two 6 hr sleep stretches at night. I’m chalking this up to his having been up for the 4+ hrs before that crying. I think he has reflux and is maybe just a hard baby to calm. So he was tough to get down. Also, it seems my only sleep success happens in the swing. I’ve given up my strict ideas that I had with Anika that he must take every nap in his crib at this point. My thought is that in the newborn stage, sleep is better than overtired. I’d guess about half his sleep happens in the swing. Is this safe? I’m not sure. I hope so. I hope I’m not doing long-term sleep damage. I’m hoping he’ll start growing out of the fussiness, reflux, newborn baby stuff and begin to be able to sleep in his crib more. Also, I’m a firm believer in swaddling, but he hates it! He cries when I start to swaddle him and seems so uncomfortable. I can’t wait until 3 months when I don’t have to do it anymore.
BOTTLES
So we started introducing a bottle last week. Anika rejected bottles because we waited too long to introduce them. It seems to be going ok. We need to be more diligent about trying it once a day. He has been close to rejecting it already a couple times.
BURPING
I only mention this here because I’ve finally been able to get more predictable burps out of Sven. After a feeding, I sit him up, give him gas drops and then sit there for about a minute. Then I usually weigh him, and what’s important here is that I’m laying him down for a few seconds. Then I pick him up under his arms, letting his body hang below him and then prop him up on my shoulder. I bounce, pat his back and usually get a burp. This sometimes results in hiccups…but at least I’m getting some air out! I had hoped this would help me get him to sleep and stay asleep but it doesn’t seem so yet.
WAKETIME
I’ve found that in the afternoons Sven can handle being awake a little longer. Usually I’m trying to wind him down pretty soon after his diaper change/feeding (30-40 minutes after waking) but now that he is showing us his smiles (yay!), it seems like he wants to be a little more social. So I am watchful for his sleepy signs…he usually yawns and then get him right to bed (which means I’m usually spending the next hour trying to get him to sleep).
EMOTIONS
I’m still struggling on this front a little. The weepiness, hormonal stuff feels mostly gone, but I have been really negative. I really am not a fan of the “newborn” phase of a babies life. They’re unpredictable and don’t allow me much sleep. I need these two things in my life. Sleep and predictability. So I’m working on the negative vibes. My husband has been a lifesaver here. He’s been patient and does his best to talk me through it. This too shall pass.
So that’s it. I’m actually manning the monitor now. He woke up after 20-30 minutes of laying him down for bed at 10:15pm. (I knew this would happen which is how I had time to write all this) I actually waited to make sure he was really crying before going in to get him. I didn’t want to wake him up if he was sleep-crying. I held him for a few minutes, tried to quiet him which didn’t work and thought, ‘well, I’ll try the swing.’ This time though it doesn’t seem to be working. Its been 15 minutes, he still has his eyes open and is whining. So its now 11:21pm. I may have to go in and intervene. This could be another long night. I can’t wait until things get easier!
Friday, September 10, 2010
GET SOME SLEEP!
My husband kissed me on the forhead tonight at 9:00pm and said, "I'm going to bed." He hesitated and then looked at me seriously, "You should get some sleep." "Okay," I said and gave him a sarcastic grin, "Like it's up to me."
So unfortunately here I am typing, too awake to sleep, which I guess is a good thing since I've had to be up until about 2am the past 4-5 nights. I need to be awake at this point or I'd never make it! My days and nights are way off...but that's the job description. I work the graveyard shift. I definitely don't think my efforts are truly appreciated. I mean, no one is up (besides me and Sven) to appreciate them! Which, I guess, is what it means to be a mother. It starts out as a thankless job...and I don't mean that to be negative. But the baby doesn't say, "Hey, thanks. I really appreciate you spending the last couple hours burping me so I feel better." And slowly as the baby grows, they are able to start giving back. In their smiles, in their ability to learn and grow. I have such a depth of love for my daughter I could not even attempt to describe it. And her early days were not easy for me.
So with that...I'm off to wake and feed my son...and then hopefully get some sleep.
So unfortunately here I am typing, too awake to sleep, which I guess is a good thing since I've had to be up until about 2am the past 4-5 nights. I need to be awake at this point or I'd never make it! My days and nights are way off...but that's the job description. I work the graveyard shift. I definitely don't think my efforts are truly appreciated. I mean, no one is up (besides me and Sven) to appreciate them! Which, I guess, is what it means to be a mother. It starts out as a thankless job...and I don't mean that to be negative. But the baby doesn't say, "Hey, thanks. I really appreciate you spending the last couple hours burping me so I feel better." And slowly as the baby grows, they are able to start giving back. In their smiles, in their ability to learn and grow. I have such a depth of love for my daughter I could not even attempt to describe it. And her early days were not easy for me.
So with that...I'm off to wake and feed my son...and then hopefully get some sleep.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Calling in Back-Up
2am. Its my threshold for calling in back-up. Usually I'm trying to put Sven to bed "for the night" between 9-10pm. Three of the last 4 nights Sven has been up crying from this period until almost 2am. Last night started with me waking him at 9:30p to eat. From that point on Sven cried uncomfortably and mostly inconsolably until 1:51am. I was spent. I had tried swaddling/un-swaddling. I tried him on my shoulder, in each arm, bouncing, swaying, shushing, singing, lights on and off, in the swing, you name it! Nothing worked. I could tell he was really tired, but also really uncomfortable. I tried giving him Mylicon to help get a burp up, but nothing came. My physical, mental and emotional faculties were spent. I felt terribly guilty, but I had to call in back-up.
"Scott," I whispered exhausted, "I need your help."
This asking for help is so hard for me to do! It means I've failed. And I feel so terrible because I know Scott has to get Anika up at the crack of dawn and work a full day the next day. I really hated doing it, but I could not go on like I had been. Which reminds me of the Babywise mom post. Having a newborn at home is hard. Really hard. Its wonderful and special, but its hard. It challenges me in ways I never thought possible. You really have to dig deep sometimes to summon a cheerleader when there are none to call on...after hours of crying at 1am...the cheerleader who says, "you can do it" "stay calm" "this will come to an end" "you will sleep again" "be creative" "persevere." I haven't been the most positive person lately...I'm working on that. There's a part of me who wants to be the hero and not share any difficult detail. But then, I think I'd be doing motherhood a disservice. Its hard! If I pretended like it wasn't, then I would be making it out to be easy. But if I share only the difficult details, I'm digging myself into a hole. I need to see the light. This too shall pass.
So, thanks honey for helping me out last night. Sven did finally sleep at 3am. And didn't wake until 9am. Either he was so exhausted he had to sleep that long or this is a positive sign of sleepier nights to come. I'll hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
http://www.babywisemom.com/2009/05/emotions.html
http://www.babywisemom.com/2008/07/baby-whisperer-new-baby-is-hard.html
"Scott," I whispered exhausted, "I need your help."
This asking for help is so hard for me to do! It means I've failed. And I feel so terrible because I know Scott has to get Anika up at the crack of dawn and work a full day the next day. I really hated doing it, but I could not go on like I had been. Which reminds me of the Babywise mom post. Having a newborn at home is hard. Really hard. Its wonderful and special, but its hard. It challenges me in ways I never thought possible. You really have to dig deep sometimes to summon a cheerleader when there are none to call on...after hours of crying at 1am...the cheerleader who says, "you can do it" "stay calm" "this will come to an end" "you will sleep again" "be creative" "persevere." I haven't been the most positive person lately...I'm working on that. There's a part of me who wants to be the hero and not share any difficult detail. But then, I think I'd be doing motherhood a disservice. Its hard! If I pretended like it wasn't, then I would be making it out to be easy. But if I share only the difficult details, I'm digging myself into a hole. I need to see the light. This too shall pass.
So, thanks honey for helping me out last night. Sven did finally sleep at 3am. And didn't wake until 9am. Either he was so exhausted he had to sleep that long or this is a positive sign of sleepier nights to come. I'll hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
http://www.babywisemom.com/2009/05/emotions.html
http://www.babywisemom.com/2008/07/baby-whisperer-new-baby-is-hard.html
Friday, September 3, 2010
Schedule - Week 4
So I forget now where my daughter was at this point in time in her life, so I thought I would take a couple of moments to reflect on how Sven’s schedule is shaping up. In general, although we’re having trouble with the sleeping, the eating regulates our schedule. In general, he feeds about every 3-3.5hrs from the start of one feed to the start of the next. I have rarely been able to get more than 8 feeds a day for either of my kids, but because I have the scale and I know how much food they’re getting, this doesn’t concern me. So in general my day looks like the following:
1:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep
3:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep
7:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep? We consistently have problems with him sleeping in his crib for this nap. I usually end up putting him in the swing. I agree with the Babywise mom here. At this age, I think its more important to get him sleep than to be stubborn about where he sleeps. I always try to get him to sleep in his crib, but inevitably after 20 minutes of being in his crib he begins to cry. Usually I am very desperate for sleep at this point, so the swing it is! Important point here though is that I usually have him swing to calm him down for the first 15 minutes, but then I go in and turn it off. People (babies included) don’t sleep as well or deeply when in motion (see Dr. Weissbluth’s book for reference).
11:00am – Wake, Eat, Sleep? This nap is pretty spotty too. Sometimes he will sleep in his crib, but I have been finding this one has been in his swing a lot.
2:00pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep. Now that I think about it, the daytime naps are most challenging. We do have room darkening blinds and a humidifier that makes white noise, so I’m not sure what the difference is during the day.
5:00pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep?
9:30pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep. So its after this cycle that I will mentally “let” Sven sleep as long as he wants. He is basically 11lbs now and gaining weight well. My milk supply seems good, although I do generally pump once a day after a morning feed to keep the girls empty and producing milk at a fast rate. At this point Sven hasn’t slept much longer than 3.5 hours…and that was on a challenging day where he really took no nap.
I keep hoping that soon he will miraculously sleep for a 4-6 hour stretch, but when I look at my daughter’s baby book, that didn’t happen for her until 9 weeks. So…we’re about halfway there. Well, as long as he actually sleeps when he’s supposed to and I’m not up all night addressing his needs, then I will survive.
Smile Sidenote
I think Sven gave me his first, non gaseous, non reflex social smile today. Wow that was nice. I think I’ll need to see it again to be sure.
1:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep
3:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep
7:30am – Wake, Eat, Sleep? We consistently have problems with him sleeping in his crib for this nap. I usually end up putting him in the swing. I agree with the Babywise mom here. At this age, I think its more important to get him sleep than to be stubborn about where he sleeps. I always try to get him to sleep in his crib, but inevitably after 20 minutes of being in his crib he begins to cry. Usually I am very desperate for sleep at this point, so the swing it is! Important point here though is that I usually have him swing to calm him down for the first 15 minutes, but then I go in and turn it off. People (babies included) don’t sleep as well or deeply when in motion (see Dr. Weissbluth’s book for reference).
11:00am – Wake, Eat, Sleep? This nap is pretty spotty too. Sometimes he will sleep in his crib, but I have been finding this one has been in his swing a lot.
2:00pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep. Now that I think about it, the daytime naps are most challenging. We do have room darkening blinds and a humidifier that makes white noise, so I’m not sure what the difference is during the day.
5:00pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep?
9:30pm – Wake, Eat, Sleep. So its after this cycle that I will mentally “let” Sven sleep as long as he wants. He is basically 11lbs now and gaining weight well. My milk supply seems good, although I do generally pump once a day after a morning feed to keep the girls empty and producing milk at a fast rate. At this point Sven hasn’t slept much longer than 3.5 hours…and that was on a challenging day where he really took no nap.
I keep hoping that soon he will miraculously sleep for a 4-6 hour stretch, but when I look at my daughter’s baby book, that didn’t happen for her until 9 weeks. So…we’re about halfway there. Well, as long as he actually sleeps when he’s supposed to and I’m not up all night addressing his needs, then I will survive.
Smile Sidenote
I think Sven gave me his first, non gaseous, non reflex social smile today. Wow that was nice. I think I’ll need to see it again to be sure.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Reflux - or Bust!
E.A.S.Y. This is what Tracy Hogg, author of the Baby Whisperer, tells you should be your life with a newborn. Eat. Activity. Sleep. You time. This is how each cycle of time should go with your baby…about 8-12 times a day. I am struggling with the Sleep and You time part of this formula. I am convinced that Sven has silent reflux. My daughter had it, so I think that has helped me to self-diagnose his condition at such an early stage. I think everyone around me thinks I’m jumping to conclusions, but I firmly believe I am right. I am the only one who basically spends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with my baby.
Before I was pregnant there were a number of ailments I had heard of, but never really knew or experienced what they were. One of these was heartburn. My heartburn was what I consider the mild kind, uncomfortable to say the least and the only position I could sleep in was on my left side. This was because gravity would keep my stomach juices away from the entrance of my stomach. It was a constant burning sensation…the kind you get when you throw up, except that its not over after a heave…it’s the constant burning kind. To say the least, its no fun. So I can only imagine what it might feel like to a tiny baby who is repeatedly heaving and swallowing the contents of his stomach. This is what I have noticed from Sven, which convinces me of his reflux:
- He can’t sleep. He’ll go 8-12 hour periods without sleeping because he is so uncomfortable. Initially I thought this was gas…I thought the same thing with my daughter, but must’ve been too sleep deprived to remember this fallacy…but really, it is sometimes the result of gas. He’s pushing so hard to get the gas/poop out that he pushes his stomach contents up the other way. We have already put his bed at an incline, but this doesn’t seem to help much. And of course, he’s on his back…wouldn’t want to chance SIDS…which for those of you who have had heartburn is a terrible position to be in, even at an incline. He gets so exhausted from not sleeping, but is so uncomfortable. This pain and sleep deprivation cannot be healthy! Especially for a newborn who needs up to 16 hours of sleep a day.
- He always gets the hiccups. I try to burp him, and usually I’m unsuccessful. Usually he gets the hiccups whether or not I burp him. And let me tell you, I have studied up on burping. You should see all the crazy ways I try to burp him. I’d call myself a burp expert except that I can’t get him to burp!
- Gagging/choking/constant swallowing. Sven oftentimes gags and chokes. Not necessarily provoked in my mind. This will oftentimes happen after a yawn. Or I’ll have been holding him in a comfy position for 10 or so minutes, and he’s definitely drifting off to sleep when suddenly he starts gagging…the kind you see your friends doing after too many drinks. Also, sometimes he’ll start gagging at the breast, so I’ll pull him away (scary) and sit him upright…and he’ll continue swallowing many (10+) more times. I don’t know what he’s swallowing. I’m guessing it’s the contents of his stomach. I think his body is trying not to let the stomach acid get into his lungs, and is trying to coordinate the opening/closing of the valve from the esophogas to the lungs (don’t know the name of it) and swallowing of the fluids. He doesn’t breathe much during this time, so its always scary to watch.
- Bad breath. My poor son’s breath smells like vomit…or like stomach acid, which is a nicer way to say it.
- Overeating. Sven has definitely been putting away some good milk since his birth. He was 8lbs 5oz when born and got down to 7lbs 10oz before he started gaining again. I have an infant scale at home (this is the topic of another post) and his latest weight is 10lbs 7oz. He is 3 weeks and 2 days old. This means he has gained almost 3 lbs in 3 weeks. Babies are supposed to gain about 0.5-1oz a day. He is gaining over triple that! I guess milk is a good neutralizer of stomach acid, so while some babies are so uncomfortable they lose weight, Sven is overcompensating and gaining big time.
- Pulling away at feedings. So obviously Sven has been drinking lots of milk, but I wouldn’t say this process is always comfortable for him. He oftentimes pulls away, like “I don’t want this ‘cause it hurts, but I want this ‘cause it makes me feel better.” Its really odd to watch him eat sometimes.
- Sinus congestion. So I’m not sure if newborns should still be having this much congestion, but it seems unusual to me. It almost sounds like he has a cold. But this is mild and not the primary symptom.
There are other things I’m beginning to notice as well. My daughter ended up with a flat spot initially on her head because she always turned her head the same way. So I’ve been watching this very closely with Sven. And when his head is pointed to the right (when he’s on his back) he sleeps better than if I point his head to the left. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the problem, but I think it might.
All in all, I probably spend 45 minutes to an hour with Sven after every feeding, listening to him wimper in pain, trying to find a position that’s comfortable for him. Once I’ve found one and he’s finally sleeping, I gently lay him in his inclined crib. About 50% of the time I have about 10 minutes to get a bite to eat, go to the bathroom, before he is wimpering in pain again and I have to pick him up. The other half the time I get a cycle or two before he’s up. What this all means is that the S and Y part of EASY do not come “easy” for Sven or I. So I’m having a tough time. I think my hormones have regulated a bit, but this constant sleep deprivation is hard…on the both of us I’d say!
So Sven’s doctor did prescribe some Reflux meds, which he has been on for a week now (Zantac) without any marked improvement. I told the doctor we tried this medicine on my daughter and that it didn’t help her, but she insisted that we try this one first. So we must wait a couple weeks to prove this didn’t help…someday our family will get some sleep eventually. And I can’t help but feel envious of my friends who have “easy” babies. I wonder what they do with their S and Y time?
Before I was pregnant there were a number of ailments I had heard of, but never really knew or experienced what they were. One of these was heartburn. My heartburn was what I consider the mild kind, uncomfortable to say the least and the only position I could sleep in was on my left side. This was because gravity would keep my stomach juices away from the entrance of my stomach. It was a constant burning sensation…the kind you get when you throw up, except that its not over after a heave…it’s the constant burning kind. To say the least, its no fun. So I can only imagine what it might feel like to a tiny baby who is repeatedly heaving and swallowing the contents of his stomach. This is what I have noticed from Sven, which convinces me of his reflux:
- He can’t sleep. He’ll go 8-12 hour periods without sleeping because he is so uncomfortable. Initially I thought this was gas…I thought the same thing with my daughter, but must’ve been too sleep deprived to remember this fallacy…but really, it is sometimes the result of gas. He’s pushing so hard to get the gas/poop out that he pushes his stomach contents up the other way. We have already put his bed at an incline, but this doesn’t seem to help much. And of course, he’s on his back…wouldn’t want to chance SIDS…which for those of you who have had heartburn is a terrible position to be in, even at an incline. He gets so exhausted from not sleeping, but is so uncomfortable. This pain and sleep deprivation cannot be healthy! Especially for a newborn who needs up to 16 hours of sleep a day.
- He always gets the hiccups. I try to burp him, and usually I’m unsuccessful. Usually he gets the hiccups whether or not I burp him. And let me tell you, I have studied up on burping. You should see all the crazy ways I try to burp him. I’d call myself a burp expert except that I can’t get him to burp!
- Gagging/choking/constant swallowing. Sven oftentimes gags and chokes. Not necessarily provoked in my mind. This will oftentimes happen after a yawn. Or I’ll have been holding him in a comfy position for 10 or so minutes, and he’s definitely drifting off to sleep when suddenly he starts gagging…the kind you see your friends doing after too many drinks. Also, sometimes he’ll start gagging at the breast, so I’ll pull him away (scary) and sit him upright…and he’ll continue swallowing many (10+) more times. I don’t know what he’s swallowing. I’m guessing it’s the contents of his stomach. I think his body is trying not to let the stomach acid get into his lungs, and is trying to coordinate the opening/closing of the valve from the esophogas to the lungs (don’t know the name of it) and swallowing of the fluids. He doesn’t breathe much during this time, so its always scary to watch.
- Bad breath. My poor son’s breath smells like vomit…or like stomach acid, which is a nicer way to say it.
- Overeating. Sven has definitely been putting away some good milk since his birth. He was 8lbs 5oz when born and got down to 7lbs 10oz before he started gaining again. I have an infant scale at home (this is the topic of another post) and his latest weight is 10lbs 7oz. He is 3 weeks and 2 days old. This means he has gained almost 3 lbs in 3 weeks. Babies are supposed to gain about 0.5-1oz a day. He is gaining over triple that! I guess milk is a good neutralizer of stomach acid, so while some babies are so uncomfortable they lose weight, Sven is overcompensating and gaining big time.
- Pulling away at feedings. So obviously Sven has been drinking lots of milk, but I wouldn’t say this process is always comfortable for him. He oftentimes pulls away, like “I don’t want this ‘cause it hurts, but I want this ‘cause it makes me feel better.” Its really odd to watch him eat sometimes.
- Sinus congestion. So I’m not sure if newborns should still be having this much congestion, but it seems unusual to me. It almost sounds like he has a cold. But this is mild and not the primary symptom.
There are other things I’m beginning to notice as well. My daughter ended up with a flat spot initially on her head because she always turned her head the same way. So I’ve been watching this very closely with Sven. And when his head is pointed to the right (when he’s on his back) he sleeps better than if I point his head to the left. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the problem, but I think it might.
All in all, I probably spend 45 minutes to an hour with Sven after every feeding, listening to him wimper in pain, trying to find a position that’s comfortable for him. Once I’ve found one and he’s finally sleeping, I gently lay him in his inclined crib. About 50% of the time I have about 10 minutes to get a bite to eat, go to the bathroom, before he is wimpering in pain again and I have to pick him up. The other half the time I get a cycle or two before he’s up. What this all means is that the S and Y part of EASY do not come “easy” for Sven or I. So I’m having a tough time. I think my hormones have regulated a bit, but this constant sleep deprivation is hard…on the both of us I’d say!
So Sven’s doctor did prescribe some Reflux meds, which he has been on for a week now (Zantac) without any marked improvement. I told the doctor we tried this medicine on my daughter and that it didn’t help her, but she insisted that we try this one first. So we must wait a couple weeks to prove this didn’t help…someday our family will get some sleep eventually. And I can’t help but feel envious of my friends who have “easy” babies. I wonder what they do with their S and Y time?
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